*Preface*- This is an explanation to the experimental essay written a few entries below.
The essay paired with this justification is indeed experimental, for I worked through different styles to explain my two working theses. I approached this essay by explaining how my semester has been trying in two ways: emotionally and mentally. I decided to break these two apart and have them juxtaposed for the reader (and myself) to see. My first working thesis is that while academics are important, the emotional side of one’s life can be more daunting. My second working thesis is that the English language rules are constantly in question, thus anyone from an author to an ESOL student will be challenged. I separated the two theses by styles: the first in prose, the second in academic language. In order to have the readers transition from one style to the next, I divided the piece by my class schedule.
I worked through the grieving process of my friend’s cancer diagnosis through this essay. Through prose, I sorted through the difficult emotional discourses I encountered over the past four months. I first began the prose with guilt being the underlying emotion, for one normally feels guilt quickly into the grieving process. The lines, “chain smoking outside of Classroom One, and the Business Academy, and just about everywhere. Cancer of the mouth should have been me,” are enough to bring me back down into that grieving phase.
I then worked through the emotions of solitude and anger, for those are the next two that follow in a grieving process. I again set the scene on campus, for I wanted the reader to keep being reminded that I was on school with these emotions. I wanted the anger to represent something more than anger at myself, for I know it is not my fault that Kate has cancer. I have never been a believer in God, but the moment I found out she had cancer, I decided He deserved the blame. It’s been the strangest emotion for me, for I never believed in Him initially, yet now that she’s sick, I almost do. I almost need that someone to blame, and I wanted that to show through the second and third stanza.
By the third stanza, I knew the grieving process explained in my prose was going well. I decided to take the route of depression and sadness in this stanza, for those are the next to follow. I wrote about my boyfriend at the time (“God” bless his heart), and how he traveled so much during this difficult time for me. I chose to write about “lonely birthdays” for he was in Montreal on his birthday and was in San Francisco on mine. I thought that image would be a nice way to relate to the reader, for they can picture a lonely birthday in their minds (unlike trying to identify the radiation machine I know so well).
I concluded the last stanza of prose with a bit of frustration and anger again. I have not reached the acceptance and hope stage of grieving yet, and I did not want to lie to my reader. I also included the “writing about writing (which is redundant as it seems)” to place the academic and emotional sides together. I wanted to show the struggle of school and emotional hardships and I think that line ties it all together nicely.
The lengthy parts of my essay are placed strategically throughout the prose. I placed the “concept attainment” section first for two reasons. “Concept attainment” is the hardest idea to grasp in this essay, and I wanted the reader to be greeted with a difficult idea backed with supportive resources. Secondly, I wanted the reader to use “concept attainment” when reading my prose. In my eyes, the reader should identify the grieving process without me stating, “I’M GRIEVING” in bold font for them. By being shown these different emotions, if the reader applies concept attainment, they will understand the reasoning for the prose.
I then wrote about ESOL students and situations they deal with for that has been a giant bulk of my semester’s academic requirements. This subject is not necessarily entertaining, but it serves a purpose in this essay because it provides examples of how ridiculous the English language actually is. I then wrote about the use of “I” in an academic essay, and how scholarly sources cannot decide if it is okay or not. I felt like this carried the situations of the ESOL students further, for it offered the idea that the English language has too many rules for anyone to learn. I then went on to show why an audience will retract from an essay if the rules are broken. Writing, in English, is a Catch-22, and I feel like my essay shows this nicely.
If my readers catch on to either of my theses or the grieving process through my prose, I will be pleased. I recognize that there is a vague element to my piece, for I did not want the reader to know exactly what I meant; that’s too personal for me to even share. Instead, if the reader cannot identify any of my intentions, I hope they feel the pull that I do when I read this again and again. The struggle of sadness and academic responsibility has become so daunting; I want the reader to feel that, too. The biggest struggle I encountered when writing this piece was retracting obvious statements. I so badly wanted to write, “I’m Sad. School Sucks. English is Hard,” but I knew I could produce something much more challenging. I’m awfully pleased with the result of this paper, although I know too well that I will be the only reader who understands the situation I am in.
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